Humor for the day!

Ratdog68

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 

JPM_6.8

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
That’s good!
 

Ratdog68

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Here's a math trick that really works.
It will take you approximately ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it is my very favorite movie ... EVER!
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2.. Multiply that number by 3
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5.. Your total will be a two-digit number.
Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 20 Movies, below.


Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. ET.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joe Biden concession speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Al Jolson Story
19. Wizard of Oz
20.Singing in the Rain



... Now, isn't that something
 

Ratdog68

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Ratdog68

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Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000.00 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

Then KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now, KFC is offering the "Nancy Pelosi Special", consisting of nothing but left wings and chicken ****.

Just keeping you up to date.
 
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Ratdog68

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The Libtard brain is finally diagnosed and categorized !!! On the left side, there's nothing right... and on the right side, there's nothing left.

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Ratdog68

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The CDC warns Democrats to NOT take ivermectin, because "it kills parasites".
 

FrankT

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Please take it!
 

Ratdog68

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Found on (of all places) Amazon.

FCgKjoXWQAYHu6O
 

Ratdog68

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This sticker was on a gas pump in Seattle today. Not only have I found these on Amazon, but, ALSO ones of Trump smiling and pointing and the caption says: "Biden did that". I ordered a bunch. Then when Zombies go to fill up here, they'll pay EMOTIONALLY for their choice AS they pay through the nose for their fuel. It's only fair that they share in the frustration they created with their theft... er... "election".

bidendidit-jpg.74294
 

Ratdog68

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The Pride of Seattle...

Administering a Road Test (applicant for a driver's license) yesterday. 25 years old, living with mom/dad, he's taking the road test in mom/dad's new Prius. One of the test requirements is, you're not allowed to use the back-up camera. An applicant must demonstrate the ability to navigate in reverse the old fashioned way (getting your nose print on the back window of the car).

Junior ALMOST runs into the back of a parked car after his parallel parking effort. At the very last second, it dawned on him that he did not have adequate room to re-enter traffic without first reversing. And, stares out the front window while backing. EVERY time (during the test) that genius does this, he's earned a 4pt. deduction from his score. Junior's also required to check his mirror(s) and look over his shoulder EVERY time the turn signal is activated for a lateral move, or a turn. The ONLY time Junior does this is IF there is a designated bicycle lane on that side of the car (incorrectly assuming ALL bicycles will ALWAYS be where they should be). Junior is NOT going to pass his road test (due to point deductions).

Upon arrival back at the driving school, I instruct him to take a left turn into the parking lot and to park the car. Junior looks for the closest spot and neglects to set himself up to succeed by adjusting his angle of attack in such a way as to make it easier for him to complete his attempt. He nearly hits the parked car on the right side, but, sees his mistake and reverses (eyes forward). Tries again, but, had NOT made an adjustment of his angle by turning... so, repeats the same mistake a second time. SO, Junior learns from his second mistake and begins to turn to the right as he's reversing a second time. Again, Junior's eyeballs are fixed forward. Junior's L/H outside mirror touches the tail light of the Chevy Tahoe to his left, and he stops. Not knowing WHAT to do, Junior lifts his hoof off the brake pedal and I watch the Tahoe's body begin to move from the weight of the Prius pushing against it. Before I could tell him to stop, Junior touches the gas pedal and mom/dad's outside mirror housing shatters into pieces.... and Junior wakes up to comprehend the "stupid" he's just done. The crazy part is, Junior was LOOKING at this mirror at the time he went full-send STUPID. Junior steps on the brake, looks at me and says: "I don't think I can finish this."

I tell Junior to put it in drive and lift up on the brake JUST A LITTLE BIT. I watch the Tahoe settle back where the suspension lives, and instruct him HOW to move to a different parking spot. Junior's managed to do approx. $3,000.00 worth of damage to mom/dad's new Prius. Not only has he shattered the mirror housing, but, he managed to push the quarter-panel into the plastic edge guard on the steel bumper of the Tahoe (dented Prius).

Junior (head down) walks over to the pieces of mirror housing, picks them up, does an about-face and is beginning his walk of shame back to the Prius (while I'm looking at the damage he did TO the Prius). I ask Junior if he did any damage to the Tahoe, Junior looks at me like "why, what does it matter???".

My next Road Test applicant is outside, watching Junior's performance... HIS car was the one Junior almost hit initially. As I'm settling into the car of this next applicant, he looks at me as says, he hit that Tahoe. I smiled at him and said, I know... it's never a good day when you hit the Examiner's personal car at the end of your road test. The Road Test gods were smiling on me, even though my taillight lens is already cracked (from someone ELSE doing a hit/run on me), AND there's a dent in the quarter panel from that previous hit/run, AND the bumper's edge is tweaked from that previous hit/run... Junior managed to NOT even do ANY further damage to my Tahoe. Upon return from the next Road Test, I checked. Junior, NOR his parents left a note on the Tahoe that Junior hit it, they just got in their new Prius and made their escape of shame.

And, THIS (folks) is the mentality/moral compass which you can expect to find if you visit/drive in Seattle. The GOOD news? The WA State Dept. of Licensing is getting ready to implement NEW guidelines for the Road Test... which WEAKENS the standards needed to pass. All of this is to be in support of their "Target Zero" campaign, which is to ENSURE that by the year 2030, NO fatalities in WA State, while on the roads. (Really??) I'm telling you folks, this IS Zombie Central (at every level of the Social/Economic ladder).
 

JTodd

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Thx for sharing. I thoroughly enjoyed your tale of hilarious mistakes.
 

Ratdog68

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This warning would fit in Seattle well, except they're using too many big words.

ihavenowords-jpg.75471
 

Ratdog68

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Yup, brought to you by the generation that eats soap packets and doesn't know which bathroom to use.
 

FrankT

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I am getting too old to care, when they come for me I am just gonna start firing and die in a pile of brass..6.8 brass, do I hear .25 a piece?
 

Ratdog68

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A woman goes to her doctor and he asks what he can do for her. She tells him that she's been passing a LOT of gas lately, but fortunately, they don't stink, and are silent. The doctor nods, hands her an Rx and asks her to return in a week.

A week later she returns and reports that she has an update. No change in the amount of gas being passed, they're still silent, but now, they stink something awful!! She wants to know what's next.

The doctor replies, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on getting your ears unplugged next. upload_2022-8-4_19-50-18.gif o_O
 

Ratdog68

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The reason we see people wearing a mask while driving in a car, by themselves, with the windows rolled up... is to prevent them from licking the windows. :p
 
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