Humor for the day!

Expelled hot gas of one sort or another.
 
A lady walks into Harrods
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops
and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her
– Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional
in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’,
she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t on yourself when
I tell you the price!”
 
Mess with seniors,
> There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
> insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full
> of other patients.
>
> I know most of us have
> experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
> it.
>
> A 65-year-old man walked
> into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> desk.
>
> The Receptionist said,
> 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
> today?'
>
> 'There's
> something wrong with my dick', he
> replied.
>
> The receptionist became
> irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
> crowded waiting room and say things like that.
> '
>
> 'Why not, you asked
> me what was wrong and I told you,' he
> said.
>
> The Receptionist replied;
> 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
> full of people. You should have said there is something
> wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem
> further with the Doctor in private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You
> shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
> strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man
> walked out, waited several minutes, and then
> re-entered.
>
>
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
> 'Yes??'
>
> 'There's
> something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
>
>
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
> had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
> Sir?'
>
> 'I can't piss out
> of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted
> in laughter...
>
>
>
> Mess with seniors,
> and you're going to lose.
 
Wondering how the hole got there in the first place
 
A woman takes a long awaited tour of Europe. After decades of saving and planning, she's on her way. In Italy, she visits the oldest church there and sees a golden telephone with a placard advising it's a direct line to Heaven. The fee for the call is $1,000.00. As much as she'd love to call Heaven, that's just too much money for her to spend. She won't have money left to get gifts for loved ones from her trip, or any side trips along the way.

She gets to Spain, again, the golden phone and a $1,000.00 fee to use it.

She gets to France, again the golden phone and a $1,000.00 fee to use it.

She visits Germany, Austria, Netherlands, Great Britain... all of them have this same golden phone, with a fee of $1,000.00 to use it. This is beginning to gnaw away at her.

Her last stop is to Ireland. Again, she visits the oldest church there... and, once again she sees that golden phone. But, the sign on this phone declares calls to Heaven to be $.25 !!!! Astonished and with great excitement (but, also with a little fear), she asks the priest: "Father? Everywhere I've been, I see this same golden phone , a direct line to Heaven. Everywhere I've been to, it's $1,000.00 to place a call. WHY only $.25 for a call placed from here?" The priest smiles at her and says: "Aye lass... from here, it's a LOCAL call."
 
Horsegirl.jpg
 
hilary clinton...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
 
no just thought of her name and she is such a joke I started laughing...besides hilary looks like opposite end of the horse!
 
Frank may have to be banned from the humor column for a bit until he learns to behave himself!
 
I can think of folks w NO humor that need to be banned before me...LOL
 
That is one OCD hand washing coon!
 
Way funny.
 
Good time for a paintball gun.
 
Hand me my long bow, please.
 
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