RattlesnakeDan
San Antonio Texas
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Magashi magashi atai tokaroni
Humor for the day!
- Thread starter sjb67
- Start date
Hai, so des ne.
Ratdog68
LSB Official Story Teller
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Four Texans were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them bunk with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl rattled the roof!! I sat up and watched him all night. I couldn't believe the noise!"
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good mornin'!!" he said.
The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him g'night on the cheek. Daryl sat up and watched ME all night.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl rattled the roof!! I sat up and watched him all night. I couldn't believe the noise!"
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good mornin'!!" he said.
The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him g'night on the cheek. Daryl sat up and watched ME all night.
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny…
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny…
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”
Ratdog68
LSB Official Story Teller
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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting along.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to check the freezer,
and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs,
he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side,
and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven.", said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it at Costco either!"
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting along.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to check the freezer,
and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs,
he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side,
and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven.", said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it at Costco either!"
The Aggie scientist placed the flea on the piece of graph paper with distances marked off precisely at various intervals. He slapped the surface next to the flea and yelled JUMP and the flea jumped nearly 3 feet. The scientist recorded the result.
Next he pulled off one leg of the flea and repeated the experiment and the flea only jumped 2.5 feet. The scientist recorded the result.
The same sequence was repeated several 3 more times, the flea jumping less distance each time. Each time, the scientist recorded the result.
Finally, the scientist pulled off the last leg of the flea and placed it on the graph paper, slapped the table and yelled JUMP! The flea did not move. The scientist did this several more times, yet the flea did not move.
In his notes, the Aggie scientist wrote, "...and when the last leg of the flea is removed, the flea goes completely deaf."
Next he pulled off one leg of the flea and repeated the experiment and the flea only jumped 2.5 feet. The scientist recorded the result.
The same sequence was repeated several 3 more times, the flea jumping less distance each time. Each time, the scientist recorded the result.
Finally, the scientist pulled off the last leg of the flea and placed it on the graph paper, slapped the table and yelled JUMP! The flea did not move. The scientist did this several more times, yet the flea did not move.
In his notes, the Aggie scientist wrote, "...and when the last leg of the flea is removed, the flea goes completely deaf."
Ratdog68
LSB Official Story Teller
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Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Ratdog68
LSB Official Story Teller
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A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
>
> One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination
> man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the
> cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
>
> The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
> arrives and knocks on the front door.
>
> Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
> she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
>
> The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’
>
> 'That's simple," she said.
> "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
> 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
>
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
> 'I guess it's to hang your pants on..........'
>
> One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination
> man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the
> cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
>
> The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
> arrives and knocks on the front door.
>
> Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
> she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
>
> The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’
>
> 'That's simple," she said.
> "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
> 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
>
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
> 'I guess it's to hang your pants on..........'
Bacon cheeseburgers
Works both ways.
Slut cow had to lay down for her midget boyfriend to reach.
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That's not a nice thing to say about my ex-wife.