Humor for the day!
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RattlesnakeDan
San Antonio Texas
LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY
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Not long ago Colorado passed a law allowing gay marriage and then soon made smoking weed legal.
I realized they were being biblically correct.
Leviticus 20:13 says all homosexuals must be stoned.
I realized they were being biblically correct.
Leviticus 20:13 says all homosexuals must be stoned.
"Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket from my truck keys.....got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down - other jeans pockets, shirt pocket - not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting - nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys - nope. Then it hit me - I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn..
My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.
I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.
"Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen I have not stolen your *^%$^&%$$ truck!"
My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.
I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.
"Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen I have not stolen your *^%$^&%$$ truck!"
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the
making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the
making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
3 PICTURES WORTH A GAZILLION WORDS!
VERY GOOD QUESTION!
Nuff Said?
Share this PLEASE! Our country depends on it.
VERY GOOD QUESTION!
Nuff Said?
Share this PLEASE! Our country depends on it.
I am sure he told her she was blessed and he was right!Well, this could be a healthy sign...
God's plan for aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Proceed with CAUTION, DO NOT EAT OR DRINK WHILE VIEWING!
That's strange they show up when I view it. Anyone else seeing or not seeing? I know a lot of the 38 page, there would just be a small box with "img" in it.
OK, I'm copying and pasting from e-mail. Any idea what I'm doing wrong? PM please
Ratdog68
LSB Official Story Teller
LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY
SUS VENATOR CLUB
LoneStarBoars Supporter
Ok, that's your problem. You need to upload them to a hosting site, like "photobucket". Then you can copy/paste the pic's url from it's online residence.