Humor for the day!
- Thread starter sjb67
- Start date
Only a farm boy would think this way....
A farmer drove to his neighbors' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9,
answered.
"Is your Dad or Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, Mr Houston, they went to Moss Vale."
"How about your brother Howard, is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to
himself.
So the young boy said, "I know where all the tools are"
If you want to borrow some, I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to
talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie
pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to Dad about that".
"I know he charges $500 for the bulls, $150 for the boars, but I have no idea how much
he charges for Howard."
A farmer drove to his neighbors' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9,
answered.
"Is your Dad or Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, Mr Houston, they went to Moss Vale."
"How about your brother Howard, is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to
himself.
So the young boy said, "I know where all the tools are"
If you want to borrow some, I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to
talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie
pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to Dad about that".
"I know he charges $500 for the bulls, $150 for the boars, but I have no idea how much
he charges for Howard."
As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job,
she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...
And Monica blew it.=
The last time she had a meaningful job,
she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...
And Monica blew it.=
That is just nasty!Roasted/BBQ Chicken will never be the same !!
She just wanted a new start in life.....
PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
theblakester
Got a black belt in keeping it real.
LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY
SUS VENATOR CLUB
LoneStarBoars Supporter
He punched a bear in the face to get it away from his dog!
Proof that Abby doesn't write all those letters herself:
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the
bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
____
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one.=
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the
bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
____
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one.=
A buddy of mine works in the meat dept of a grocery store. He also has no filter....
Here's a quote from him this morning,
"
Its funny, I've never had a customer complaint, never had a coworker complaint, but have had many long talks with store mgr about what falls outta my face....
lady and her husband walk up and she tells me "i need a biggol chunk a meat" i tell her "i get off at two" she laughed he laughed, i got the talk.
Lady says 'its my husbands birthday, and i want to get him something special.' I walk back into meat dept, grab Jessica by arm, lead her out to the lady and say "this is Jessica, she gets off at 8" lady laughed every time she seen me for months, but i got the talk.
Old mans says "gimmie a roast tender as my heart" i cut him a roast and take it too him and tell him, "this isn't tender as your heart but its soft as your pecker" he kinda laughed, but i thought his wife was gonna pee she lost it so bad. Got the talk again.
Couple walks up, she's holding a pre packaged pork tenderloin, long tube shaped, and asks if i got one thats bigger, i told her to rub it until it reaches desired length. They walk off with her rubbing the package looking confused. They make it all the way to the front of store before it dawn on either of them what she is doing and how it looks. They both couldn't quit laughing, i got an extra long talk.
"
Here's a quote from him this morning,
"
Its funny, I've never had a customer complaint, never had a coworker complaint, but have had many long talks with store mgr about what falls outta my face....
lady and her husband walk up and she tells me "i need a biggol chunk a meat" i tell her "i get off at two" she laughed he laughed, i got the talk.
Lady says 'its my husbands birthday, and i want to get him something special.' I walk back into meat dept, grab Jessica by arm, lead her out to the lady and say "this is Jessica, she gets off at 8" lady laughed every time she seen me for months, but i got the talk.
Old mans says "gimmie a roast tender as my heart" i cut him a roast and take it too him and tell him, "this isn't tender as your heart but its soft as your pecker" he kinda laughed, but i thought his wife was gonna pee she lost it so bad. Got the talk again.
Couple walks up, she's holding a pre packaged pork tenderloin, long tube shaped, and asks if i got one thats bigger, i told her to rub it until it reaches desired length. They walk off with her rubbing the package looking confused. They make it all the way to the front of store before it dawn on either of them what she is doing and how it looks. They both couldn't quit laughing, i got an extra long talk.
"
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
For all the LEOS here
A driver is pulled over by a policeman
A driver is pulled over by a policeman and the policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you'd like to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"
A driver is pulled over by a policeman
A driver is pulled over by a policeman and the policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you'd like to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"
A cowboy walked into a bar, ordered a beer, sat down, drank it and he heard a voice. "Nice tie." Nobody was there except him and the bartender. "Really cool shirt, too." He thought he must be losing his mind. "I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replies:
"Those are the beernuts, sir. They're complimentary."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replies:
"Those are the beernuts, sir. They're complimentary."
The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it.. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
"Don't worry about it.. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
RattlesnakeDan
San Antonio Texas
LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY
SUS VENATOR CLUB
LoneStarBoars Supporter
So this mushroom walks into a bar. Says, bartender get me a beer. Bartender says we don't serve vegetables here. Mushroom says come on I'm a fungi.
