Humor for the day!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by sjb67, Jul 11, 2013.

  1. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
     
  2. JPM_6.8

    JPM_6.8 LSB Member

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    That’s good!
     
  3. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    Here's a math trick that really works.
    It will take you approximately ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
    I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.
    Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it is my very favorite movie ... EVER!
    DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom.
    You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:

    1. Pick a number from 1-9.
    2.. Multiply that number by 3
    3. Add 3.
    4. Multiply by 3 again.
    5.. Your total will be a two-digit number.
    Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 20 Movies, below.


    Movie List:
    1. Gone With the Wind
    2. ET.
    3. Blazing Saddles
    4. Star Wars
    5. Forrest Gump
    6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
    7. Jaws
    8. Grease
    9. The Joe Biden concession speech
    10. Casablanca
    11. Jurassic Park
    12. Shrek
    13. Pirates of the Caribbean
    14. Titanic
    15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
    16. Home Alone
    17. Mrs. Doubtfire
    18. Al Jolson Story
    19. Wizard of Oz
    20.Singing in the Rain



    ... Now, isn't that something
     
  4. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000.00 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

    Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

    Then KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

    Now, KFC is offering the "Nancy Pelosi Special", consisting of nothing but left wings and chicken ****.

    Just keeping you up to date.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2020
  6. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    The Libtard brain is finally diagnosed and categorized !!! On the left side, there's nothing right... and on the right side, there's nothing left.

    [​IMG]
     
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  7. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    The CDC warns Democrats to NOT take ivermectin, because "it kills parasites".
     
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  8. FrankT

    FrankT Destin FL LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    Please take it!
     
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  9. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    Found on (of all places) Amazon.

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    This sticker was on a gas pump in Seattle today. Not only have I found these on Amazon, but, ALSO ones of Trump smiling and pointing and the caption says: "Biden did that". I ordered a bunch. Then when Zombies go to fill up here, they'll pay EMOTIONALLY for their choice AS they pay through the nose for their fuel. It's only fair that they share in the frustration they created with their theft... er... "election".

    [​IMG]
     
  11. Ratdog68

    Ratdog68 LSB Official Story Teller LSB TURKEY BUZZARD PRESERVATION SOCIETY SUS VENATOR CLUB LoneStarBoars Supporter

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    The Pride of Seattle...

    Administering a Road Test (applicant for a driver's license) yesterday. 25 years old, living with mom/dad, he's taking the road test in mom/dad's new Prius. One of the test requirements is, you're not allowed to use the back-up camera. An applicant must demonstrate the ability to navigate in reverse the old fashioned way (getting your nose print on the back window of the car).

    Junior ALMOST runs into the back of a parked car after his parallel parking effort. At the very last second, it dawned on him that he did not have adequate room to re-enter traffic without first reversing. And, stares out the front window while backing. EVERY time (during the test) that genius does this, he's earned a 4pt. deduction from his score. Junior's also required to check his mirror(s) and look over his shoulder EVERY time the turn signal is activated for a lateral move, or a turn. The ONLY time Junior does this is IF there is a designated bicycle lane on that side of the car (incorrectly assuming ALL bicycles will ALWAYS be where they should be). Junior is NOT going to pass his road test (due to point deductions).

    Upon arrival back at the driving school, I instruct him to take a left turn into the parking lot and to park the car. Junior looks for the closest spot and neglects to set himself up to succeed by adjusting his angle of attack in such a way as to make it easier for him to complete his attempt. He nearly hits the parked car on the right side, but, sees his mistake and reverses (eyes forward). Tries again, but, had NOT made an adjustment of his angle by turning... so, repeats the same mistake a second time. SO, Junior learns from his second mistake and begins to turn to the right as he's reversing a second time. Again, Junior's eyeballs are fixed forward. Junior's L/H outside mirror touches the tail light of the Chevy Tahoe to his left, and he stops. Not knowing WHAT to do, Junior lifts his hoof off the brake pedal and I watch the Tahoe's body begin to move from the weight of the Prius pushing against it. Before I could tell him to stop, Junior touches the gas pedal and mom/dad's outside mirror housing shatters into pieces.... and Junior wakes up to comprehend the "stupid" he's just done. The crazy part is, Junior was LOOKING at this mirror at the time he went full-send STUPID. Junior steps on the brake, looks at me and says: "I don't think I can finish this."

    I tell Junior to put it in drive and lift up on the brake JUST A LITTLE BIT. I watch the Tahoe settle back where the suspension lives, and instruct him HOW to move to a different parking spot. Junior's managed to do approx. $3,000.00 worth of damage to mom/dad's new Prius. Not only has he shattered the mirror housing, but, he managed to push the quarter-panel into the plastic edge guard on the steel bumper of the Tahoe (dented Prius).

    Junior (head down) walks over to the pieces of mirror housing, picks them up, does an about-face and is beginning his walk of shame back to the Prius (while I'm looking at the damage he did TO the Prius). I ask Junior if he did any damage to the Tahoe, Junior looks at me like "why, what does it matter???".

    My next Road Test applicant is outside, watching Junior's performance... HIS car was the one Junior almost hit initially. As I'm settling into the car of this next applicant, he looks at me as says, he hit that Tahoe. I smiled at him and said, I know... it's never a good day when you hit the Examiner's personal car at the end of your road test. The Road Test gods were smiling on me, even though my taillight lens is already cracked (from someone ELSE doing a hit/run on me), AND there's a dent in the quarter panel from that previous hit/run, AND the bumper's edge is tweaked from that previous hit/run... Junior managed to NOT even do ANY further damage to my Tahoe. Upon return from the next Road Test, I checked. Junior, NOR his parents left a note on the Tahoe that Junior hit it, they just got in their new Prius and made their escape of shame.

    And, THIS (folks) is the mentality/moral compass which you can expect to find if you visit/drive in Seattle. The GOOD news? The WA State Dept. of Licensing is getting ready to implement NEW guidelines for the Road Test... which WEAKENS the standards needed to pass. All of this is to be in support of their "Target Zero" campaign, which is to ENSURE that by the year 2030, NO fatalities in WA State, while on the roads. (Really??) I'm telling you folks, this IS Zombie Central (at every level of the Social/Economic ladder).
     
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