Humor for the day!

Curly Shuffle

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AW man that aint funny!!:)
 

OneK

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OneK

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Ratdog68

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Three Nazis walk into a B.A.R.
 

Ratdog68

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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was driving along near the campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy? "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
 

Chopperdrvr

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The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."
"Don 't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?
"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ."
"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."
The President-to-be responds, " Don 't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington ; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2024, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's dad and mom.
Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ."
The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."
Dad says proudly, "Her brother is an Army Helicopter Pilot."
 

Ratdog68

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A Lady trying to be romantic with her husband texted him this message.
If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
If you are eating send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying send me your tears.

Her husband replied.
I'm on the Toilet please advise!
 

Ratdog68

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The REAL reason Team OinK disbanded? DJones caught partying?

 

Chopperdrvr

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A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.


Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.


When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.


Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it's surface, without impeding it's ongoing decay.


Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.


Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
 

Ratdog68

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Woman: Do you drink beer?


Man: Yes


Woman: How many beers a day?


Man: Usually about three


Woman: How much do you pay per beer?


Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)


Woman: And how long have you been drinking?


Man: About 20 years, I suppose


Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?


Man: Correct


Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?


Man: Correct


Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings accountand after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?


Woman: No.


Man: Where is your airplane?
 

Ratdog68

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Ratdog68

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CALIFORNIA
• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
TEXAS
• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
 
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